I Don't Want To Work!

In high school I wanted to be a superstar. In college I wanted to be a wife and a mother. I still wouldn't mind being a superstar and I definitely want to get married and have a family, but I'm starting to think it might not be in the cards. Being rich and famous is overrated and from the looks of it, a fast-track to self-destruction. As far as marriage and kids go, I just don't know if it's part of the master plan. People try to reassure me that God has someone for me, but inside I'm thinking, "How do YOU know? How can can you KNOW what His plan is?". I think if I was born several decades ago my chances of having the kind of life I've always envisioned for myself would be greatly increased. I want the "Leave it to Beaver" life, but it seems so unrealistic now. Yeah, yeah, I know even back then it was a little too picture perfect, but you know what I mean.

I'm all about being all that you can be- intellectually, academically, professionally. But I feel like it's un-PC for me to say what I'm really thinking: I DON'T WANT TO WORK!!! I don't want a "job". I want to be a stay-at-home wife and mom. SO WHAT if I can vote?!?! SO WHAT if I can do (most everything) a man can do?! It means nothing to me if it's not my choice, and having to go out and get a job in order to survive because our society and culture have evolved in that direction is CRAP. I think of the Women's Lib movement and it makes me cringe. I want to ask these women who so gladly chunked their bras into the fire, was it really worth it? It's 2009 and women still earn .75 to the man's $1. It's no longer understood that men always get the door for ladies. Hey girls, listen up- men used to get the door for women not because men viewed them as incompetant and weak, but because they were seen as SPECIAL! Everything that was meant to be a compliment was distorted into some sort of insult. Let's face it- women have had a self-worth issue that no doubt dates back to when Eve took that first bite of forbidden fruit and were subsequently made subservient to men as punishement. Ever since then they've been convinced that only way to feel like their contributions to the world were worthwhile and appreciated was to be like men. STUPID!!! Regardless of what I do, as long as I do it as if I was doing it for the Lord and not for man, my work is worth something. So whether I'm the CEO of a company or changing diapers, my work is valuable. Of course the world doesn't see it that way, but WHO CARES?! The world is stupid, corrupt, and Satan's domain, so anything that comes from the world is false.

I'm not just angry at women. Men have played a big role in the progression of events that have led up to this point. If men had taken the time to step back, look at everything that women were doing in the home, realized just how important and crucial their mother's and wive's roles were in terms of insuring the success of their family's development and overall well being, and then TOLD these women how much they appreciated everything they did, woment wouldn't have felt the need to stray from their roles as wives and mothers to receive the credit they felt they deserved. Women were simply seeking satisfation and acknowledgement for a "job well done". Why couldn't the men give them that? I hate that "man's work" was considered important and "woman's work" was viewed as non-consequential and even dispensable. Tell me this, what good is a man's job when his home/family have disintegrated?

I realize it's not like the government has passed a law banning women from getting married and starting families. It just seems like it's so much harder now. I wish I lived in a time where it was still understood that men and women got married, settled down, and started a family. Why? Obviously because I think my chances of doing just that would be alot higher than they are now. I feel like it's so hard to a find a decent guy anymore... One that doesn't expect sex. One that actually wants to take care of his wife. One that's not a half-ass Christian (is it ok to use "ass" and "Christian" in the same sentence?).

Alot of these feelings have surfaced since moving to San Marcos for grad school. This year has been a roller coaster to say the least. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I was very much career- focused and concerned with my future. I was excited about school, learning new things, making new friends, discovering new opportunities, exploring new possibilities, and taking another step towards my destiny and and reaching my full potential. But in the middle of the process of packing, moving, and getting settled in my new place, something snapped inside my head and all of the sudden I was right back where I was year ago and the same place I've been since 2004. I was filled with resentment towards everything that, up to that point, I had been looking forward to for over 6 months. I don't why or where it came from, but I have a feeling the Enemy had something to do with it. He's been studying me, he knows me, he knows my heart's desires, and he knows how to get under my skin. Jerk.

Well, that's all for now. I just needed to get all that off my chest. It's been weighing me down for a couple of weeks now.

Resilience

–noun: the ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy

Today was my official first day of work since leaving my managerial position at the hotel. I subbed for the elementary school P.E. teacher and it was a blast! I know you wouldn't think it would be, but I had a lot of fun. My favorite grade was kindergarten; they were the sweetest, not to mention the most polite and respectful. Most of the second graders I had today were already acting the way kids did when I was in middle school; eyeing me suspiciously and testing me to see just what they could get away with; whereas the kindergarteners were telling me I was pretty, eagerly demonstrating their skills with jump-ropes, hoola-hoops, etc...

Some teachers have told me that they prefer the older grades over kindergarten because kindergarteners are still so much like babies. I think that's actually the reason why I prefer them. So what if they ask me to tie their shoes or button their pants, or if they cry because someone took their toy away? They're also the ones who take the most initiative and go out of their way to please whoever's in charge. Several little girls ran up and gave me hugs throughout the class period; for no reason in particular other than that they just felt like giving me a hug. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it now. Where does that go? When do we lose that ability to love unconditionally and without inhibition? By the time they reach second grade, most of the sweetness will be gone.

I found myself wishing we could all be more like kindergarteners. Not to say that we all need to act like children; I'm not promoting an attitude of immaturity or irresponsibility by any means. But if somehow we could reclaim that spirit of innocence which the world so eagerly takes away from us. If we could all hug when we're happy and cry when we're not and most importantly, if we could recover from disappointing events with the same resilience that they do...

We often pray for childlike faith. I'm going to pray for childlike resilience. :-)

Goodnight. ♥