Here's to 2008

Seriously. 2008 was just plain weird. At least for me. I guess "weird" isn't really the right word here. Miserable is a bit too strong, though at times, many times actually, I was indeed just that. I'm realizing now (January 2009) that everything I went through last year did make me stronger, and I am glad for that. Because the thought of all the shenanigans I had to deal with, and it all having been in vain? I couldn't accept it.

Looking back to the last day of my Emmaus Walk (September 2007), my relationship with God was finally healed. I knew I loved Him more than anything or anyone else. And I knew there was no way I could ever go back to living for myself again. I was no longer a luke-warm Christian; I dedicated my life to Him and sharing Jesus with the world. These were all beautiful and REAL truths, but this new feeling of inner peace was so intoxicating, it gave me a false sense of safety. I was so open to anyone and everyone. The Bible tells us to guard our hearts. I thought mine was guarded. Little did I know I was about to embark on one of the most painful journeys of my life; a journey that would teach me through trial and error (and much heartache) what exactly it means to guard my heart. My heart's question was, "How do you guard your heart and still love people the way Jesus loved people?" Unfortunately, the only way for my heart to learn this lesson was through experience. It is for this reason that I'm not a big fan of life. I wish life was like school. Everything you need to know for the exam you can find in your text book or your lecture notes. In school, everything is structured, finite. Your professor gives you a syllabus at the very beginning of the semester outlining all of his/her expectations of you and their obligations to you. I suppose the Bible is kind of like that, but it's still so dang hard!!! It doesn't say- June 19th: you will lose your brother to cancer OR November 12th: you will meet your soulmate. You know the quote, "Experience is the hardest teacher, because it gives you the test first and then the lesson." Man is that the truth.

Suffice to say, I've spent the last year in a state of perpetual confusion and disappointment all because I thought I knew God's voice. I thought I knew what kind of ministry He was calling me into, and the people He was calling me to with (both be in ministry with and minster to). I thought He was telling me to go to grad school and where He wanted me to go. It seemed like all the pieces fit. It looked like everything was coming together. And then systematically, one by one, the pieces started to fall. Before I knew it, everything I thought I was headed towards was no longer there. It was as if I had been working towards a mirage in the desert. Maybe that's just what it was. Something my mind concocted out of desperation. Perhaps I was so desperate for something specific; a destination, a goal, that I convinced myself that I was hearing God's voice, when in reality it was my own. Someone once told me that there are four voices that Christians must learn to distinguish: yourself, the world, Satan, and God. You'd think it would be easy, but it isn't. Out of all four, I feel like the world is the easiest one to pick out, mostly because it so often blatantly contradicts the Bible.

I feel like I've lost a lot this past year, but I've also gained a lot. There are people who are no longer a part of my life but I'm not grieving them because in exchange I have insight that I wouldn't trade for anything. I've learned lessons that I know will serve me in the future, especially when I am involved in ministry. And in the end, I did draw nearer to my Lord, and that's always a good thing. In fact, it's the best thing that anyone can do in response to this crazy thing called life.

So here's to 2009, guarded hearts, and living every day for Jesus, just like He did for me. :-)